22:22 – A little handful of pills

18 Jun

Today I saw the drugs nurse and she brought her student with her. It made things a bit awkward as I’d never met the student before and it was hard to talk openly and honestly about how I’m feeling right now. She asked at one point what my views now were on my 2 week heroin use back in January and I told her that right now an opiate hit would be most enjoyable – however – I will never walk down that path again, I was extremely lucky to be able to use it then stop using it without developing an addiction. After all, some addicts claim they became hooked on their first try, I used several times a day every day for about 15 days then managed to just quit. I would never put my parents through that again either but I do go off into a little dream state every so often and remember how nice it felt.

The drugs nurse asked me today how I felt about her discharging me off her caseload as drugs are no longer an issue for me. That was six months ago now that I used and whilst I still continued to use cannabis on occasion I have stopped that as well now for the past few weeks. I am quite happy to be discharged from her so we have decided that she will come along to my next CPA meeting on July 5th and providing I haven’t phoned her before then to say I’ve used anything then that will be our last meeting.

I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow at 1pm which I’m kind of dreading. She has been so happy and saying how well I’ve been doing lately and now I’m going to have to tell her about the self harming and needing stitches on Saturday afternoon. I went up to the a&e department this afternoon for a wound check and dressing change. It looks a bloody mess. Thankfully the a&e was actually quite busy for once so they didn’t bother asking me all the questions about how my mood was today. To be honest it’s shit, dipping lower and lower.

I have been self medicating tonight and have been taking small handfuls of Diazepam all night so this post is taking me ages to write as I’m a bit woozy. Plus I took all 500mg of my Quetiapine together rather than 200mg in the morning and 300mg at night like I’m supposed to. I also took a few Tramadol. Why? Just to make me very sleepy so I don’t need to sit and think any more. I am definitely ready to close my eyes and get a good nights sleep. I haven’t taken any kind of overdose, more just taken all my medication at once rather than in split doses. However I did just take the dogs a walk before I started writing this and my legs were feeling a little bit wobbly so it’s probably best I just lie down now and sleep.

I’m in a shitty mood to be honest and not feeling 100% safe so sleep is definitely the best move methinks. I’ll see how much I feel like telling my CPN tomorrow. I’ve never had a session with her yet where I’ve been feeling really crap so I’m unsure how she will react to it.

Right, it’s time for bed before I go for another little handful of pills. Roll on tomorrow for hopefully a better and brighter day.

Night Peeps X

2 Responses to “22:22 – A little handful of pills”

  1. Tasha June 18, 2012 at 23:49 #

    I have been reading this blog for quite some time and although I haven’t been officially diagnosed with Bipolar yet, I understand exactly how you’re feeling. I also want to say thankyou. Thankyou for writin this. Thankyou for being honest. Thankyou for making me feel like I’m not alone. I really hope you tell your CPN everything you wrote here tonight. God Bless and sleep well x

    Love from Tasha :-) x

  2. The Quiet Borderline June 19, 2012 at 19:19 #

    Honesty, honesty, honesty!!

    Please tell your CPN the truth about the meds and self-medicating. Tell everyone you need to tell. I’m not going to give you a lecture as I am also guilty of doing the same as you. BUT it is so unhealthy to be ingesting all of these pills. You don’t realise what damage it does on your body and mind. Maybe because they are depressants, it even caused your mood to dip??

    I heard a terrible story about someone who overdosed on pills, ended up in a coma for 2 weeks and woke up from it basically retarded. Totally did his brain in.

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