15:16 – De-ja-vu?

18 May

When I started working with my last CPN I went to the first couple of appointments and then stopped going. After that I maybe went to one appointment every four weeks until she left.

Today was supposed to be my third meeting with new CPN. But I couldn’t get to sleep last night even after the increased dose of Quetiapine and my sleeping/anxiety tablets. I lay awake feeling very low and negative, thinking that I am never going to get my housing transfer after them awarding me such low points and that was with three letters from professionals. I don’t know, I just lay there for hours feeling like everything felt hopeless, that I am just trapped with this crazy head and that might never go away. I cried a little, thinking of how ‘normal’ all my friends and family are, how ‘normal’ and ‘fun’ their lives are. And I wished it was me. I wished I could just say ‘yes’ to an invite and know I would not only go, but go and have a good time.

I lay there in the dark listening to people leaving the pubs at 1am and wandering by for the next hour or so, listening to bits of their drunken conversations and their laughter. And I felt so incredibly alone, just lying here with my duvet wrapped round me, only comfortable in a room with my little 2 seater sofa, so paranoid and anxious that I can’t even go and put my bedroom back together. Knowing it is piled with boxes and dust sheets over it all keeps it separate. It’s like a part of my flat that I know exists but serves no purpose to me any more apart from throwing my head into a world of flash backs.

I finally got to sleep around 3am with Lana Del Rey’s album playing in the background. I woke again at 8.30am hearing the post come through the door. I sat and watched morning TV and somewhere out of nowhere my head was spinning with racing paranoid thoughts that I was not safe here. I don’t know why I felt that way, I couldn’t seem to find any reason for it, I just felt incredibly uncomfortable. It was like when you wake up after a one night stand in some guy’s house and everything looks alien to you and you just know you have to get out of there asap.

So I got up and closed the curtains (closing the outside world out) and turned Lana Del Rey back on and took some Diazepam and tried to just chill the fuck out. And somehow I fell asleep again and didn’t wake up until 1.15pm when my appointment was supposed to be at 1pm. I noticed I had a missed call from the support worker who escorts me to my appointments and phoned new CPN. I told her I had a crazy head on today and that my medication had just increased again, I was drowsy and feeling low. We chatted for ten minutes about the letter I got back from the housing association and I told her I was disappointed with what it said. She said she would try and get in contact with them before our next appointment next Friday and ask them how they came to the conclusion they reached.

I kind of wish I had gone and seen her. My head is a bit all over the place and whilst I know there is nothing she could have done about it I think I could have benefited from just getting it all off my chest. But other than missing my appointment with her I’m doing everything else ‘right’ again. I’ve been to see Mr Psychiatrist, I’ve seen nice GP, I’ve seen my social worker, I’m taking the increased doses of medication to try and make the bad bits of the voices go away. But things are still very far from OK. It’s all beginning to feel like de-ja-vu again.

2 Responses to “15:16 – De-ja-vu?”

  1. The Quiet Borderline May 18, 2012 at 16:27 #

    You’ll get there. It’s all about baby steps, one little step at a time. You’re doing great.

    Carry on the good work.

    All the best.

  2. thebigfarm May 20, 2012 at 15:57 #

    Dear MCBL,
    Hello. I am sorry you are struggling so. My depression is associated with major depression not bipolar but i recognize the cyclical nature of my illness too. I understand the feeling of deja-vu. Knowing you are falling again and wondering how to cut to the chase to find whatever endpoint it has to reach before/if you start to feel differently (better). I always seem better after hospitalization but it’s such an awful experience and i never seem to ‘recover’ to my starting point, only back to some other, lower level of mental shittiness from which i will descend again. I almost wish i had some form of mania to look forward too. Do you look forward to it or are they unpleasant as well? While i am constantly, predicatably self-adjusting my meds. i hope the increased dose of your meds. will provide some tangible relief without significant side effects. Best of luck, MCBL. Doc.

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