04:36 – Everything is crazy

It’s almost 4.30am and I’ve been up all night. I haven’t been posting so much lately because I don’t want to admit to what I’ve been doing. I’m ashamed of my behaviours, but then, I can’t live with my mental/emotional pain so I’m just using anything I can to block it all out.

I went to the local drug and alcohol centre on Friday after a particularly bad night. They were really nice to me and didn’t judge me, in fact I have got a counselling appointment with them at 3pm today. I also have CPN woman at 2pm and if I’m still awake at 8am I’m going to phone for a GP appointment.

The suicidal thoughts are somewhat on hold, only because I’ve been self medicating with other things. But now I have ran out of other things and have barely enough money to live let alone get high. I don’t know where I go from here, I don’t think I can go through the withdrawals, my body needs more drugs I am vomiting constantly because I haven’t used in a day. It might be early days but it’s been too many days already.

I don’t know who I need to see. I need to see CPN woman to tell her how crazy I feel, how fucking suicidal I am when I’m not under the influence. I need to see the GP to see if she can help medically but I doubt she will. I think I did good contacting the drug and alcohol centre so I can get counselling but to be honest I don’t think I need it, I know why I’m using – to block everything out.

I can’t sleep and I don’t feel safe. I’ve been cutting superficially just to try and release some of the pain. I’ve been using needles to sit and syringe my blood out and squirt it down the sink. Getting the bad blood out of me. I don’t want to end up in hospital again but equally I can’t afford to have an addiction and maybe a break away from the people I’m associating with wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But then I think of being back in hospital and how fucking depressed it made me, the strain on my family and friends, etc.

If I don’t know what will make me feel better then how will they know? I can’t see my psychiatrist being remotely interested in my recent drug use, I know I will get the line from him that ‘he can’t tell if the olanzapine is working whilst I’m using other substances’ – which is a fair point I guess. But I know how it all feels inside me, I know I’m cracking up, I know things are going downwards, I know the shit is going to hit the fan.

Tags: addiction, CPN, crazy, drug and alcohol centre, drugs, GP, psych, self harm, voices