Hospital Diary 7 of 10 (From 8.30am Wed morning)

26 Sep

Wow, three posts in one night and a suicide attempt as well. How the fuck am I still awake? Actually I think I might have got about an hour and a half of sleep as I don’t remember the past couple of hours. So here I am, awake after very little sleep and immediately remembering what happened last night. I’m going to remain on constant obs and in the hour I’ve been up I’m already sick of having a shadow. I understand why they have to do it but it would be nice if they actually sat and spoke to me rather than just following me then standing a couple of metre’s away from where I’m sitting/standing/whatever.

Phoned Mum before she left for work and gave her a brief outline of what happened and one of the nurses had a quick chat to her. They’ve taken all of my stuff away apart from a book, my notebook, a pen and my cigarettes. As soon as I said bye to Mum on the phone I suddenly realised that not only had I probably screwed her head up before she even got to work but I also remembered it’s her and my Dad’s anniversary – shit :(

I don’t know how today is going to pan out. With any luck I won’t need to stay on such close obs all day. But if I had a way or a mean in which to end it all, I would do it without a second’s hesitation. I hate hate hate myself for what I am putting my family through – especially my Mum. All she wants for me is to have some hope. How can that be such a big thing for her to ask for? Just a four lettered word… I wish I could be the daughter she so rightly deserves.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. I look in the mirror, I look closely into my own eyes and I just see pain. It’s like the spark has gone and all that looks back at me is hurt. Old hurt. New hurt. All of it.

I can’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror and smiled back at myself. And I guess that’s all a bit sad really. Everything in my life revolves around you my little man, I’m so desperate to be with you again. The bad stuff doesn’t revolve around you though, just all of my love. The bad stuff is just your Mummy feeling sad that we’re so far apart. I just miss you so very much and I’m not sure if there is anything that can bring me inner peace until we are reunited again.

I love you so much little man xxx

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