Suicide Fail

14 Sep

Can’t remember what I last wrote and as phone battery low its gonna be a quickie. Last night after being in floods of tears down the phone to my mum everything got too much. I remembered I hadn’t handed my hair straighteners back in so waited til I was in bed and used the wire as a ligature. As I began to lose consciousness (I guess) I fell to side of bed and shoulder hit the alarm button. Wire was so tight and wrapped so many times it had to be cut off..£150 straighteners gone, great. They took all my possessions away and ive been on constant 1 on 1 obs all day. Can’t even go for a pee alone. Feel like shit trying not to look shit so they’ll stop monitoring me 24/7 but bad thoughts in head and massive temptation to act on them. They think they took everything away but maybe they didn’t. Who knows?

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7 Responses to “Suicide Fail”

  1. The Quiet Borderline September 14, 2011 at 19:49 #

    “They think they took everything away but maybe they didn’t. Who knows?”

    I hope that they did.

    Please look after yourself. Everything will be OK. I know, it sounds stupid hearing that, but everything will be OK. I’ve been there, and things are still tough, but I’m managing and don’t want to go back to the terrible times again. I know it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Take care.

    The Quiet Borderline

    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

  2. sanityisknocking September 15, 2011 at 00:24 #

    Oh girl :( I’m so sad that you’re in such a dark place :( I love you and really hope that things perk up for you.

  3. Clarissa September 15, 2011 at 00:49 #

    Cor. Thats harsh luvvie. Is the voice “patty” back – I dont dignify it with a personable id as it is nothing more than a voice. You poor thing. Glad you are in there and on obs. You need this care. do fess up about anything else you tucked away. I.m surprised the ward didn’t take more care to place you in a room without ligature points, given your history…

    take each hour at a time. Try to eat. Brush teeth, wash face. Talk it through, try to draw the dots between the triggers and now. and try to be kind to yoyrself. You are still here because you are meant to get better and can be happy in THIS life.

    Lots of love and tremendous hugs,

    C X

  4. p September 15, 2011 at 03:28 #

    I’m bipolar and have bpd, been in therapy since ive been 12, with too many suicide attempts to mention, doctors have said that they cant understand in some cases how im still alive. I got to the point thinking that aswell. Cause maybe im not supposed to die. I have something to do here on earth, i think i’ve kinda worked what it is out, but i think you are here and still here for a reason too, we all are here for something. Whether its making a big change or small, or helping someone. I can relate to how hard it gets sometimes when your stuck in a darkness you cant seem to reach out, but you have people that care, and would miss you if you where gone, think of the people who mean the most to you in life, imagine their biggest happiest smile and then think would it would do to them to hear that youve passed. I’ve had four people in my life both on seperate occasions, not long after another who committed suicide and seeing what it does to those around them, i couldn’t leave the people i love in that state, it affects everyone. I used to believe that aw its fine theyll get over it in time, if i died. But they don’t. They never do. Truth is yeah life mostly sucks, but the good times make it worth it, friends and family, animals. You are a beautiful person. Who i believe helps many people through this blog, you are better & stronger than this illness, and you will defeat it. I dont know if you believe in angels, but they are with you always, i have great faith in archangel michael, talk to him and ask him to protect you, he will, you might not notice it or feel it at first, but youll realize that he does and will. All my Love, peace. and happiness. x

  5. Pandora September 15, 2011 at 22:54 #

    There are no words.

    I’m thinking of you, lovely.

    xxx

  6. sanabituranima September 17, 2011 at 20:56 #

    For the little it helps, know that we all want you to be ok.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. This Week In Mentalists: The Am I Well Enough For College Edition « This Week in Mentalists - September 17, 2011

    […] to cry but not being able. Disturbing dreams. Lousy concentration. My Crazy Bipolar Life has been struggling in hospital: They took all my possessions away and ive been on constant 1 on 1 obs all day. Can’t even go […]

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